Baby Fred - 27 Weeks!

Date:
May 18, 2015

How far along:
27 weeks

How many weeks to go: 
13 Weeks (Our due date was 3 months from Sunday!)

Baby size:
The size of a head of cauliflower (about 2 lb and 14.5 inches)

Baby milestones: 
She's sleeping and waking at regular intervals now and regularly opening and closing her eyes. Her brain is very active and her lungs are developing quite nicely as well. If she were to be born today, with a lot of medical help, her lungs would be capable of functioning out here in the world.

Stretch marks: 
Not yet.

Have you started to show yet: 
Very much so

Belly button in or out: 
Still in, but getting even more shallow and I can always feel the top of it sticking out through my shirts now.

Symptoms: 
Having heart palpitations more often now.

Food cravings: 
Nothing really

Aversions: 
None

Movement:
She moves around in there, but I wish it was more consistent so I could be ready for it and be watching. There are times when I catch a glimpse of my belly moving on the outside, but it's just out of the corner of my eye and I want to be looking right at it!!! :)

Labor signs: 
None.

Sleep: 
Sleeping pretty well, but I wake up with some back pain most mornings now.

Miss anything: 
Not being slightly nervous all of the time that the baby is okay

Gender prediction: 
I actually have thought girl the past day or so... not sure what's up with that.

Names: 
Nothing new but I have been feeling slightly nervous about the pressure of naming a human lately...

Best moment of the week: 
Spending Friday night and Saturday with Trent just doing whatever we wanted to do around house and around town. We went to one of his friend's house on Saturday night and one of the couples brought their 8 month old, Willa, along. She was so cute and it was so cute to see Trent with her. Maybe that's why I think we're having a girl now :)

Don't they look so cute just hanging out together!

Sunday, I went home to AWV's graduation so we could hand out the two scholarships that are given in my dad's memory. I wasn't able to go last year, so I was very happy that I got to be there this year! I love the reminder of my dad and his passions and the fact that we're able to assist these seniors as they pursue their passions!

Nursery Things:
Nothing happened with the nursery this week. I am hoping that the next two weeks are big weeks, though :)

Looking forward to: 
Only having to work 4 days this week and then going on a little vacation with Trent! I'm excited for the shopping that we're going to be doing for the baby and just to have a few days to do whatever we want!
Also looking forward to our appointment on Wednesday morning but I'm slightly nervous about having my glucose test... Hopefully I pass!!! Fingers crossed!

Other things: 
When we were out and about on Friday evening, we went to Scheel's to pick up a few things for Trent's upcoming hiking trip. When we got to the check out, the check-out girl asked what we were having and I said we didn't know. She asked if we just didn't know yet or if we didn't want to know. I said that we didn't want to know and she immediately went off on how that was the "wrong decision" and was saying things like "what are you going to buy for clothes? All yellow stuff?" I'm sure it all came out worse than she intended but it was definitely the worst reaction we've gotten to not finding out the gender of our baby! 

#1 Grandpa

A few weeks ago when I went back home to visit my mom for the weekend, I finally had the chance to go out to my dad's grave site and hang up the flag I got for him. 

I miss my dad all of the time, but when I think about actually getting to hold our baby in my hands, it's very easy for me to think about how I'll never get to see my dad hold our baby in his big, strong hands. I imagine that my dad would be to my kids (and Kellsey and Jared's) like Grandpa Kock was to us. He'd be fun and goofy and play off his toughness to "scare" them, just to make them laugh about it afterwards. Of course, he'd tell them lots of inappropriate (but clean) jokes - like "How do you know that the flat cat had blue eyes? Because when it got run over, one blew one way and one blew the other" (Grandpa Kock will have to correct me on that one if I'm telling that wrong!) He'd love to play with them and watch them grow up and he'd be there for all the fun activities in their lives! I can just imagine all the basketball advice they would have gotten at a very young age! Most importantly, I know he would have done anything for them, just like he did for us growing up, and would have loved them so very much!!

There's so much that our kids could learn from him. Now it will be up to all of us who knew him to pass on what we know of him to his grandkids and teach them all about the wonderful man he was! I know he'll be watching over all his little ones and will be proud of the people they become!

Happy Birthday, Daddy!

Happy birthday in heaven to my Daddy!

 Always on my mind
Forever in my heart

CJD Awareness Day

Ribbon made by my Aunt Doreen :)

Today is National CJD Awareness Day. 

Those of us who have lost a loved one to CJD miss them every day, but today is a day when all of us who are missing that person (or people in some cases) can join together to honor the memory of our loved ones and advocate for global awareness and education.

CJD is a rapidly progressive, degenerative, always fatal brain disorder. It is a disease that our family saw firsthand when it took the life of my dad in September 2012. 

There are a lot of doctors around the world who have yet to see a case of CJD and some may never see it in their careers. This makes diagnosing someone with CJD even more difficult because they don't have prior experiences to utilize. CJD is often initially misdiagnosed and it may ultimately never be diagnosed if the doctors don't come to that conclusion before CJD takes the patient's life.

Some of the diseases that CJD can be misdiagnosed as are Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, ALS, and Huntington's, just to name a few. The symptoms of someone with CJD can be very similar to these diseases, but are typically more rapid in their progression. The similarities of these diseases can be a benefit, though, as research that is done on one of the diseases may help lead to a cure or treatment for one or several of the others. This is another reason that awareness is necessary - if those links between these "similar" disorders are known, researchers can work together toward the goal of eradicating all of these diseases.

As those of us who have been affected by this disease band together and make our voices louder, we can drum up support for awareness and research and, one day soon, a cure for this disease. A cure may start with a test to detect, in its early stages, that it is CJD the patient has, giving the family more time to become comfortable with what they're dealing with, it may be in the form of a way to treat or reverse the symptoms, or it may be the ability to pin-point what it is that triggers the symptoms. Any of these options would be such a positive step forward and it is these types of things the researchers we're funding are working toward with passion!

Last year at this time, our family was preparing for a large Birthday Bash Fundraiser in memory of my dad. We raised over $50,000 to help aid in research and help start a support program for those families who are affected by CJD. We funded two research grants through the CJD Foundation in my dad's name, and, this year, we hope to fund another! We are continuing to do what we can to spread awareness and help to fund the research that is vital in curing CJD by setting a goal to raise the $10,000 needed to fund another grant. Again this year, our $10,000 will be matched with another $30,000 from the CJD Foundation, making the grant equal a total of $40,000! We are hoping to do this with the help of our amazing family, friends, and community who made our event last year so successful, except, this year, they all get to help from the comfort of their own homes!

You can help us work toward curing CJD by clicking here and donating any amount you can that would go towards a research grant in my dad's name. 100% of what you donate will go to the research - none is taken out to go towards administrative expenses or anything of that nature. Last year we sold tshirts, served a great meal, raffled off prizes, carried out silent and live auctions, and collected free-will donations. Everyone went above and beyond to make the huge event a success, and we hope that you will help us make this effort a success as well with a cash donation!

Thank you so much for being a part of a cause that is so important to our family!

Two Years

Two years ago today. 

It seems just like yesterday, but it seems like forever ago. 

When I think about that day and the days that followed, it is all so surreal. I still find it hard to believe that we went through all that and that it really happened.

Most days are filled with all the wonderful and happy memories we all have of him and I am very thankful for that. I am thankful that we know that he is in a much better place! A perfect place. He truly was a wonderful man!
We have so much to be thankful for and so much to look forward to. But today just brings up painful memories of a day that makes me so sad. Oh how I would love a hug from my daddy right now. I miss him so much.

I love all the other days, when the memories are good ones, but I'd like to just skip today.

This Weekend: CWS

This weekend was a great one because we got to spend it at home. Friday and Saturday were spent chilling out at home. We watched a few movies on TV, grilled both nights, Trent mowed the lawn, and we did some laundry. It was very nice to just be home and have nothing planned since we have spent 7 of the last 8 weekends elsewhere.

On Sunday, Jocelyn, Trent and I went to church and then headed straight downtown to partake in the College World Series festivities. Union Pacific has a big family day event on the first Sunday of the CWS each year, so we went to that just long enough to have some lunch before heading across the street to the stadium to be sure we'd have seats for the game.

It was a beautiful day for baseball and we joined just under 25,000 people to watch the game. For some reason it didn't occur to me that we were going to be sitting in the sun the whole game and I wasn't quite prepared for that... Smooth, I know! But despite my lack of sunscreen, it was still a fun time and I'm glad we went!

The view of the Omaha "skyline" (haha) and the UP building from our seats. 

Now I just have one more day of work this week before we head out of town for an extra long weekend in Wisconsin for a friend's wedding that Trent is a groomsman in. I'm looking forward to the quality time in the car with my hubby on the drive and having some fun with our friends in Wisconsin!

Daddy's Hands

I wrote this post on the 16th of September in 2012, nine days before my dad passed away, but didn't post it. It was us kids' third day up at Mayo in Rochester with my dad while he was in the hospital there. I've been missing him a lot lately and the fact that it's Father's Day has accentuated that all the more. 

Happy Father's Day to my Daddy in heaven!

Remembering you is easy, I do it every day. Missing you is the heartache that never goes away.

-------------------------------------------------------------

A lot has changed about my dad in a physical sense over the past 3 months.

He has lost weight, he has lost his balance, and he has tremors so he can't really control a lot of what he does. He isn't really able to speak very well in full sentences either. But one thing that really hasn't changed at all about him is his hands.

They have the same calluses, they are the same size, his fingernails still have the same crazy lines and cracks in them, his knuckles still bend in the same funky ways, and they have the same wear and tear and bumps...

I remember the way he used to talk to us at basketball practice with his fist clenched and his thumb on top. He'd point at us with his thumb as he was trying to make his point.

I remember the way he used to use his hands when he talked on the phone in his office all the time. And the way we used to make fun of him for it.

His hands were always so strong, and they still are. Especially when he would hug us - I noticed this very much over the past few months. No matter how weak he seemed or how hard it was for him to stand, he would still give the strongest side hugs ever! What I wouldn't give to have him hug me that tightly again...

I love you, Daddy.

Daddy's Hands

I remember daddy's hands folded silently in prayer 

And reachin' out to hold me, when I had a nightmare

You could read quite a story in the callous' and lines

Years of work and worry had left their mark behind

I remember daddy's hands how they held my mama tight

And patted my back for something done right

There are things that I'd forgotten that I loved about the man

But I'll always remember the love in daddy's hands

Daddy's hands were soft and kind when I was cryin'

Daddy's hands were hard as steel when I'd done wrong

Daddy's hands weren't always gentle but I've come to understand

There was always love in daddy's hands.

I remember daddy's hands workin' 'til they bled

Sacrificed unselfishly just to keep us all fed

If I could do things over, I'd live my life again

And never take for granted the love in daddy's hands

Family Feud Chain Email Completed by my Dad

In the spirit of filling out questionnaires, like Trent and I did for Valentines day earlier this month, I found this old email a while back and it made me laugh, just like it did 5 years ago when it arrived in my inbox.

Back on May 22, 2009 I had filled out a chain email called "Family Feud" (you know, because all of those things used to be so cool!) and sent it around to some of my family. It was the ones that had a list of questions that you answer and then send around to see how many people send it back to you with their own answers. A little while later that day, I received an email back from my dad, who had filled it out with his own answers... I can't say that he did that often, but something must have inspired him that day to fill this one out. And I'm sure glad that he did!

We all know my dad was quite a goofball and sometimes said some very off-the-wall things. Oh how I miss that! Some of his answers below are logical, some are clever, some are funny and some are just plain strange! I wanted to share his answers because I'm sure everyone could use a laugh.

Name something you use in the shower? Saw

Name something a football player wears under his uniform? Shoulder pads

Name something people hate to find on their windshield? Chicken

Name something a man might buy before a date? Flowers

What is another word for blemish? Whiting's girls' basketball team

What is something you cook in the microwave? Cat

Name a piece of furniture people need help moving? All

Name something a dog does that embarrasses its owner? Driving a car then wrecking it.

Name a kind of test you cannot study for? Jared's classes

Something a boy scout gets a badge for? Out of a gumball machine

Name a phrase with the word home in it. "Home - Sweet - Home"

Name a sport where players lose teeth? Old age

Name something a teacher can do to ruin a student's day? Name the 5 best ways to do something when there are only 4 listed in the book.

Name the person that is least likely to respond? A deaf and mute person

Name a bird you wouldn't want to eat? Rotten bird

Name something a person wears even if it has a hole in it? Mask

Name something that gets smaller the more you use it? Pencil

Birthday Bash CJD Fundraiser in Memory of my Dad

Last Saturday was our Birthday Bash CJD Fundraiser in memory of my dad. It was one of the best and most amazing things that I have ever had a chance to be a part of. I have never felt so supported and loved and I am so grateful for those people who took the time out of their busy lives to come from near and far to support us!

The night never would have been as successful as it was if it wasn't for all of the time and effort that my mom and her absolutely amazing friends put in. Everything was just perfect!

From the beginning of all the planning, it just seemed like people have been coming out of the woodwork to volunteer their time or make a salad or serve food or donate money or donate an item to auction off... or to do all of the above. People are just amazing!

There were some absolutely awesome items donated to be auctioned off. It was hard to even choose the items that I would like to have for my own. A few of the items were just too great and I knew that they were going to bring more money than I could shell out, but I think that's a good problem to have!

Some of the items donated:

I am happy to say that one of the items I purchased was the one that I was determined to get.
It was this purple afghan:

First off, I think it is beautiful and, secondly, my hope is that some day, if God blesses me with a daughter, I will put it in her room and tell her all about her Grandpa and how that afghan was made in his honor for this big fundraiser we did in his memory. And then I'll tell her all about how amazing he was and about all the people who were there to show how much they love and miss him! 

(And if I only have sons, I'll just tell them all the good stuff but I won't make them have a purple afghan in their room (unless they want one)... and if I don't have any kids, I'll tell my nieces and nephews about him... you get the point)

I can't name them all, but here are some of my favorite parts of the night:

Seeing all the people who filled the Five Mile House all night

Having friends and family come from all over to support us!

Having everyone sing happy birthday to my mom before the live auction started!

 Having the first item on the live auction be a bouquet of purple irises which my mom was fully planning on buying. Someone outbid her, buying the bouquet for $500, which obviously bummed her out, but they immediately turned around and gave them to her. Definitely an awesome way to start the auction!

Having 12 dozen farm fresh eggs go for $50 a dozen!

Having these pictures of Ed Podolak that were signed over 40 years ago be sold for $1,800 and then were donated right back and sold again for $1,000.

 

Hearing people rave about the food and the salad bar!

Having the AWV girls' basketball team donate a signed basketball from state last year in honor of my dad, their coach!

And having my Grandpa buy it!

Having Doreen and Nick bid on several things they wanted from the live auction and being outbid for all of it and then watching them bid on some etched mugs and win them, only to find out they were bidding against Jared for a while and then, after he dropped out, they were bidding against no one... Dan (who was spotting bids) was just pretending that there was someone behind them bidding and bidding them up. (Okay, so maybe that wasn't a good thing for them, but it made me smile. They sure got some nice mugs, though!)

They still look pretty happy :)

Having items being donated for the live auction all the way up until the end of the auction! We started the day with 68 items or so, and ended up auctioning off at least 72!

Having my BFF be there! She is awesome!

Seeing the running total halfway through the live auction top $17,000 and then seeing our total with everything on Sunday exceed $45,000!!! (And see that total keep growing!)

Our total on Sunday, but more donations
have kept coming in since then!

Hearing Rukkus play! (even though they had to start over an hour late because we had so many auction items! Again, a good problem to have!)

A Templeton Rye toast to my dad happening in the basement.

Spending the night with these awesome people! They are just a small few of those that made this all possible!

And last but not least, remembering my dad throughout the night and seeing the evidence of how many lives he has touched.

I miss my dad so much and even though that event was in memory of him, it was still strange to think that he wasn't going to be there helping where he could, talking it up with all his friends and family that were there, and hearing him laugh and joke from across the room. I still thought that I'd turn around and he'd be standing there and I'd be able to walk up to him at the end of the night, slide into his one armed hug with my shoulder under his arm and just stand there, admiring all the work that had gone into putting on the event. An event that I know he would have been proud of!

I thank God for blessing us with the awesome family and friends that carried us through the preparations for the fundraiser and through the actual event. I completely give Him all the glory in this! Some people have made comments about how they don't know how my mom does this all or rave about how strong she is or they ask how our family can be so strong through this. I just read a devotional yesterday that I think answers it perfectly. The 10-day devotional is about giving thanks and this specific one basically says that no matter what is going on in our lives, no matter how uncertain it may seem, we have certainty in Jesus Christ. Our family knows that whatever comes our way and whatever the outcome of the season we're going through is, we will survive. We have a hope and a future. That is something to live for, something to be strong for, and something to look forward to! It's a lot easier to deal with everything in life when you know that you can lean on God and He will take care of you. We truly are blessed and are so grateful to bless others by giving them hope with the money that we raised that there will be a treatment or a cure for CJD. Not only that, but we can show them that we believe there is hope in Jesus Christ!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who took the time out of their busy lives to be there in the weeks and days before to prepare and organize and set everything up. Thank you to everyone for using your gifts and talents to provide food for the event and items to be auctioned off. Thank you to those who were there on Saturday to support our cause and thank you to all those who have given generously in my dad's honor. This awesome night couldn't have happened without all the man power behind it! And like my mom stated in the paper, my dad was 100% right when he said "If it is to be, it's up to WE!"
Alone, we are rare, but together, we are strong!

The day that changed my life forever...

A year ago today was a day that changed my life forever.

It  started out as just another normal day. I worked during the day and had plans to go to Hobby Lobby to buy a lamp after work. My dad had been sick for a while and had been gradually getting worse. He was up at Mayo in Rochester again and having some more tests done so they could try to figure out what was wrong.

I hadn't heard anything from my mom all day about how things were going, which made me think the worst... I really didn't have any reason to think that, but I just had a bad feeling. We really hadn't gotten any good news throughout the whole ordeal, but they still always told us that they had things to try to help him get better.

A little after 4 in the afternoon, I was talking with Trent on Google Chat and he said he was going to head home for the day. I told him I'd be there after work as soon as I went and picked up the lamp. He said "Can't we just go get it together? Just come home and and we'll go get it." I should have known something was wrong right then. Trent would NEVER volunteer to go to Hobby Lobby with me for any reason...
(My mom had already told Trent what they knew about my dad's diagnosis at this point)

After the work day was over, I headed home. The whole way home I just felt strange and scared. I was freaked out that my mom hadn't said anything to me all day and just had a bad feeling. I cried while I was driving home because I didn't know what to think... and I just wanted my dad to be okay and for all this to be over.

When I walked into the house, Trent was laying in the living room on the couch. He told me to come sit by him and asked me how my day was and things like that. He then said my mom told him to have me call her. It was then that my stomach started to hurt. I knew something must be very wrong.

We called my mom and talked to her on speaker phone she told me that they had diagnosed my dad with Cruetzfeld Jakob Disease (CJD). I had never heard of it before, but it wasn't good - it was fatal. My dad was going to die.

I remember my mom telling me that I could look it up online to get the details but that basically it was a very rare, progressive disease and it affects the brain, turning it into a spongy-like consistency. His already deteriorating health would only continue until he would no longer be able to move, speak, or breathe... There was a lot of unknowns in what she was telling us... he could live for months or a year but we really had no idea...

We would spend the next four days up in Rochester at St. Mary's hospital with my dad before going back home for a few days and then spending five more days in and out of the nursing home room with him. It was just 12 short days total from the time we heard the letters CJD before he took his last breath...

All throughout the last year, every 25th of the month, it's been "My dad's been gone for two months now." ... "four months" ... "ten months" ... but nothing hurt more than getting to the days when it was "It's been one year since he told us he was sick" or "One year since the last time I saw him standing on his own" or "One year since he hugged me" and now today, "One year since CJD became such a large part of our lives"

I had a dream the other night with my dad in it. In the dream, he hugged me. It was one of his usual one-armed, side hugs (like the pictures above and below). Even with just one arm, his hugs were so strong and he'd hug so tight. My shoulder fit right under his arm like usual and my head could lay right on his chest. It was perfect.

I miss my dad every day. I miss his confidence, his wisdom, his quirkiness, his laugh.

I want it to be known that even though I remember these times and it makes me sad, I know this all happened for a reason. I trust God and His plan. Even though I could go through life thinking how unfair this all is and how bad things are, I just have to remember that I am not here on this Earth for me to have a great life with no hardships, I am here to further God's kingdom. If, through all this, my faith in God is strengthened and I grow closer to Him, and if my family and I can show our faith to others around us, then I believe that is a small piece of the purpose of this all. It is all about Him.



Right now, dad is up in Heaven. A place more amazing than any of us can even comprehend. What more could we want?